Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
