he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
