also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
