There is no way he is gay with that hair.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
