i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
