her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
