she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
