I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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