having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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