he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
