we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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