I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
