i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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