i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
