i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
