Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
