I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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