my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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