happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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