Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Who died my cat blue again?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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