I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
