Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
