I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
