I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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