It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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