Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
