Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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