my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
