You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
