why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
