I met the friendliest cop last night
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
