I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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