she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
