my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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