if only i could text you this smell
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
