six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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