Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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