I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Even my vagina gasped.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
