so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
