She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
