i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
