shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
