Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I checked into jail on foursquare
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
