Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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