I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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