Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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