I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
