Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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