This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Sorry about my life...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
