She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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