i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
