i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
