Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
