I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
