i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
