I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
