So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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