I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
