How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I want to make a zoo with you.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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